Posthoc: Maybe this Angry Burts thing can go public? I like the idea of flinging Burts around with a giant slingshot.

Peace out.

There may yet be a silver lining in all of this. Only 4 Burts have RSVPd. Claws crossed!

It has come to my attention that you have made some tragic choices in the design and publication of your community leisure guide. Please allow me a moment of your time to explain in detail my concerns.

First, upon glancing at the cover of said leisure guide, one cannot help but notice that there are images of individuals who appear to be thoroughly enjoying themselves whilst availing themselves of the amenities at various public facilities around town in which your various programs are housed. Well, I am a frequent visitor to said facilities and drop-in user of said programs, and let me tell you, this is false advertising of the worst sort. Your yoga classes are substandard and frustrating, your swimming schedules at the pool are mind-bogglingly complex, and your facilities are ill-conceived architecturally, to the point where it is nearly impossible to navigate their interiors. I ask you, who would smile after such experiences? Verily, a bear who is getting paid, big time, to pose for a wilfully deceiving photograph.

Second, the layout looks like it was conceived and executed by someone who was blindfolded at the time. The various hues and tints employed in the overall colour palette make no sense whatsoever, and text is crammed into ungainly and unreasonably-sized blocks that bear no relation to any of the accompanying images or clip art, nor to any basic design principles of which I am aware. And I’m not even a designer! These are basic rules of thumb that anyone should be aware of, most of all a town council that bears the sole responsibility of communicating about its taxpayer-subsidized programs to the very constituents who use them and pay for them in a concise and straightforward manner.

Third, the typeface you have chosen for said publication is antiquated, and in this vein, distracting at best. At worst it might induce a bear to extreme behaviours, about which I dare not speculate.

Clearly your organization bears some serious responsibility here, and might be deemed liable in the event that any bears present with an extreme reaction to your publication such as I have described. This leisure guide you have published is an atrocious waste and deliberate provocation to bears everywhere. It’s as if none of your staff or council members had ever taken a civics class! Small wonder, seeing that you (via your proxy, the Bearville School Board) have seen fit to remove Civics from the school curriculum. Apparently accountability in public office and requiring citizens (let alone elected officials) to be accountable for their actions are concepts that are lost on you.

Well this is not a good state of affairs. I demand remediation (fix the problems please) and restitution (at my regular hourly rate – plus overtime, as this is a weekend) for time wasted on your nonsensical printed collateral.

Please see to these matters ASAP, and advise me of when my cheque will be put in the mail.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Bear.

In my midlife I began hankering for a change of career, something I could really sink my teeth into. It was then that I discovered the joys of hard-boiled investigative journalism. I began working at BEAR TV, the local Bearville broadcaster – producing, editing and starring in a weekly investigative series entitled “Mystery Bear” in which I used journalism a  vehicle to solve unsolved crimes. From there, I became the Head of Network Programming and spearheaded many new series and pilot projects including, but not limited to: Bearin’ Around, Who is that Bear and what are we (as a community) going to do about it, Livin’ Large with Large Bear, Francophone Bear (feat. French Bear), Bears in the Woods, Lost Bears, What the heck is that?, In the Mood and others. Throughout all of our programming, we try to appeal to the seasoned TV Executive as well as the lay-bear. You can’t get it, though, unless you spilt a bear cable which are sometimes available at the dump so you can email Mr BEar about that if that’s what you need.

This “PodCast” is an extension of my broadcasting experience and it’s my hope that we’ll all spend a little time getting to know each other a little better and fostering some sort of relationship that we can take to the bank. That’s what it’s all about, bears – let’s make it happen.

Mrs. Bear

Beginning in the next month, this website will play host to a serial podcast featuring my (mis)adventures in my hometown of Bearville. You will be sure to encounter lots of different kinds of bears, their idiosyncracies, their disgusting habits, their songs and stories and lots of other bear-related items.

Please feel free to contact me by email if you have any further questions. However, be advised that complaints are not appreciated nor invited from readers, and will be dealt with swiftly and sharply. Furthermore, unsolicited ‘advice’ on how to make this blog/podcast better is likely to be met with scorn and derision at best, or at worst, a good hearty MAULING.

In conclusion, don’t assume that because you’ve seen my blog that I am interested in your opinions or that I like you or something.

Sincerely,

Mr Bear.